Change and Rest

Ho hum.

The reason I’ve not posted these last couple of weeks, despite the best of intentions, is that the most interesting thing happening to me at the moment is something I’m currently not allowed to talk about. And I probably won’t want to talk about it after it’s all over and done with. Suffice to say that I feel the winds of change blowing.

Frankly, the last couple of weeks have not been pleasant. I’d booked myself a little break from work to sort my head out because, as you may have gathered from recent posts, I’ve not been feeling great lately. In fact, I feel increasingly like a trapped animal and I’ve noticed myself lashing out because of it. It feels like I’ve become a less joyful person. And a meaner person. And I really don’t want to be this way. My mental health has taken a real drop on top of this general shrinking of myself in the last few weeks, and I’d hoped that a week of literally doing nothing would do me good.

No such luck. What I can say is that my employers have prevented my little rest cure, and that instead of getting myself sorted out, I’ve been unable to sleep for more than three hours at a time. I’ve been put on a short course of zopiclone to try to restart my cycle, but poorly kept hours are a relatively small part of my problem. Plus, I’ve discovered that it does nothing for stress-induced insomnia and makes you feel like utter shit the day after any nights you do manage to sleep on it.

So, one way or another, I’ll be taking a break from life. Ideally, I’d find a bed and breakfast in a mid-size Scottish town with wrestling in the local town hall, but I haven’t got the money even though the room price would be off-season. Instead, I’ll just be letting the days go by until I get thoroughly bored and start finding things to do. I’ll be trying to stay on the Exercise Wagon, because God knows I fall off it too easily if I allow myself to. But otherwise, this is about allowing my mind to stop panicking so I can actually start to concentrate on things again. And prioritise effectively. And do stuff rather than pottering round the flat in a fug of overloaded paralysis that has far more to do with preceived conflicts than reality.

Sure. It’s a noble thing to aim for. I’ve failed to get my head on straight before and I’m likely to fail again. But I suppose it’s the trying that counts, and if I can at least manage to put one or two healthy routines in place, I’ll feel a lot better for it. There are things that used to keep me sane that I’m not doing enough of anymore, and if I can just get myself doing them again, life may be less of an uphill struggle.