Some Half-Formed Thoughts

Maybe for now this is my depression blog. I’ve been in a rough way for the past few weeks, but feeling like this has allowed me to find something at the centre of myself. It’s a burning flame. It’s anger and frustration at where I am and what I’ve become and it’s showing me a weak light through the mists of my current despair.

I’m not myself. I can feel it. Despite my outward self-assurance and my usual manic drive (if you’ve got a crazy plan, I’ve got the will to carry it through), I’m more reluctant to put myself out in the world than I used to be. Long-term readers of this blog, or anyone who knew me as an undergraduate, know exactly how opinionated I can be. Yet there are a lot of things I’ve not said on here recently because I can’t be bothered with the potential internet shitstorm. I blame facebook.

Really, it’s more about how I’ve used facebook since getting into music. I used to only add people I knew and kept my account to myself, but a desire for self-promotion has made me a very open user. This means I see the debates on other people’s open statuses and know how heated and disrespectful some people can be. I used to enjoy discussion, but every group on the internet acts like religious fanatics, especially if you dare to call into question a part of their crusade. While in a depressed state of mind, I don’t have the energy to moderate a debate here or on a facebook link on my timeline. So I avoid issues while keeping schtum, at least in terms of my writing here. Furthermore, in terms of expressing my deepest and darkest thoughts, I don’t feel as though I have a forum to vent anymore.

And so I remembered livejournal. Being a blog provider in essence, there was less inane chatter while still having a social-network-esque functionality. And that functionality meant that you ticked boxes as to who you shared with rather than having to close down from a big pool the way facebook does. My least judgmental friends and acquaintances could be shown some of my darkest thoughts in a space that felt safe to me. In fact, my last post on there was about something that, already in 2011, I felt I couldn’t say on facebook.

Other things have happened. I’ve been listening to albums I’ve not dug out in years. I’ve been actively trying to find ways to take control of my psychology again. I want to be the brave, kind lunatic I was, not the defensive, trapped animal I’m turning into.

The time right now is 3:06 am. And here I am writing. This me, this is what I do. This is how I deal with the world. I don’t think I’m back yet, but I think I’ve found the path back to where I was before I fell.

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~ by Scary Rob on 9 September, 2014.

2 Responses to “Some Half-Formed Thoughts”

  1. I’m glad I’m not the only one who wants nothing to do with facebook’s social justice debates because they turn unreflecting and polemic so quickly. I “unfollowed” my boyfriend because he shares roughly 5 totally unreflecting and polemic would-be “social justice” articles per day. I often wonder how such a smart guy an be so stupid on facebook…

    About your state of mind: Maybe it’s the turn of one of those famous seven-year-cycles? When you feel that you’re really, properly fed up with something and you want something new to begin, and you simply know that it will because somehow the time is right. Many of those folklore rules are bullshit, but I’ve always found the “seven-year-cycle” thing to be true (give or take 1 year). It sounds like that’s the point where you are now. You just can’t expect to turn back into the person you were, that won’t work. A personality can’t be kept static. You’ll just have to go ahead and see what “you” you are now. But I’m sure it’ll be a very good new version!

    • Thanks, Var. It’s not that I want to regress, but there are bits of me that I feel I’ve lost because of the way the last few years have kicked me about. They’re aspects of me that I know are in there still. I just want them back at the front.

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