Digging My Heels In

Here we go again with another one of those “statement of intent” blogs (that I’m probably not going to deliver on if all its predecessors are anything to go by). My month of silence has stemmed from the fact that I’m in a bit of a squeezed situation at the moment. I have a four-hour round trip to my “day” job that means I have far less spare time than I’d like, especially when I need to be working on finding a job to replace it. The constant wrestle I always have with depression isn’t helping matters, of course. I find I’m not motivated to do a lot of little things, especially when I’m tired, so I’m finding myself spend a lot of time on facebook and twitter refreshing pages and waiting for someone to pay me some attention. So it’s time to get a grip.

I’ve been overloading myself with personal demands – things I’ve been doing to increase my skills and improve my physical fitness and mental agility. Unfortunately, I have to accept that the thing I should be paying most attention to is my mental health. So I’m reading on my journeys and my plan to do crosswords be damned. My attempted exercise regime was taking too much time away from my evenings, so I’m scaling it back to a more manageable time commitment. I still want to be able to play the piano by the end of the year, and I find it therapeutic, so I’ll phase practising the ivories back in. And I am going to write more.

Why? Well, at the end of the day, being a writer isn’t something you choose to do. It’s a pathological need. A compulsion. A productive sort of mental illness. And the fact that I’ve just not been doing as much of it as I was five years ago is doubtlessly contributing to my feelings of listlessness. So I’m setting a little task for myself. I’ve been reading Black Library Publishing’s “Horus Heresy” series when time permits for the last few months, and I’ve kind of had an inkling to start writing reviews. I’m only five books in, and I’m reading them slowly, so reviewing them won’t be an onerous task. And besides which, I want to. So I’m giving myself mental permission to have this as a hobby. Furthermore, politics are getting interesting again, and I’ve always found it therapeutic to rant against Left and Right alike over their idiot reactions to party politics. So maybe more of my political ire should be splashed across these pages. I mean, I don’t think I’ve said a lot about the state of the British political landscape since the last general election…

So with two reasons to write, maybe I should let the fire in my heart do its thing. I can only feel better for it, surely?

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~ by Scary Rob on 30 November, 2013.

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