Determination

Right. Yes. So I keep making rash promises. I said back in January that I’d begin blogging properly again, and you’ve now had over two months of silence from me. I owe you an explanation.

Firstly, I got sick. The was a throat virus going round that knocked me out of the game for a week (I genuinely couldn’t speak for several days), and has lingered in the form of an annoying dry patch even up to now. As I got well enough to start working again after that, my old nemeses reared their ugly heads.

Firstly, insomnia. Insomnia destroys me because I tend not to have whole sleepless nights – I get three to five hours near the end and a consequent reluctance to get out of bed. And then a day of fatigue throws my appetite, so I eat utter junk willy nilly just because I recognise that I need to eat at some point. And then I have no desire to do anything and no motivation to do anything other than go to my paid job. Insomnia has been plaguing me until about a week ago.

Then comes my tendency to get overwhelmed. I laid out what I wanted to do with my time a couple of posts ago, and that plan hasn’t changed. But when you’re dog tired, facing half an hour of exercise followed by a piano lesson and a language lesson is too much. Even though doing these things helps me wind down for the night, I only have the energy to go to bed and lie staring at the ceiling. So I try to do those things in the day. And when they are added to my writing plans and my domestic tasks, suddenly I can’t decide which of the ten very important things I should do first. Thus I hide from it all by spending hours clicking uselessly at facebook.

My tendency to indecision stems from my childhood, namely a father who would find something else for you to do if you were visibly doing something he didn’t think of as ‘productive’. I often can’t face doing what I want to do because I feel pressured to do something else that somewhere in my mind I think is more important to an outside observer. The thing is, I’ve known about this problem since I was a teenager and knew how to combat it: mentally give myself permission to do what I want to do at a given moment. i.e. I want to read a book right now, so bollocks to any expectation that I should be doing the vacuuming.

The last couple of nights, I have read rather than forcing myself to bed. It’s 2.30 a.m. and I am writing a blog. Sure, this is chaos, and not the routine I set out for myself, but it’s better than trawling random fan pages for lolcats. And if I can achieve this post, simply because I want to, I can do everything else.

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~ by Scary Rob on 29 March, 2013.

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