The Rants of an Insomniac

Long-term depression is a funny beast. I feel fine, right now. I have a certain amount of energy, I can find enthusiasm for things and I’m full of hope and optimism for things to come. Perhaps there’s a certain amount of New Year spirit in that, but I could be looking at 2012 with dread and believing that it will be as horrible as 2011. And yet, despite this new optimism, according to my PHQ 9 scores I’m as bad as ever, if not at my lowest ebb. I think it’s the Black Dog fighting back. I may be beating the thought processes at the moment, but I have to struggle through the other side of some rather debilitating symptoms.

For a start, my sleep is completely to buggery at the moment. I can’t seem to sleep at night – my body, rather than my mind, just doesn’t seem to want to let me. If I lie down and close my eyes, I feel completely alert; if I try to get up, tiredness hits me like a wave. So I lie in bed trying to use sleeping techniques given to me by my former shrink, but my mind can’t quite focus on them. I may sleep for a while after spending hours doing a more efficient version of counting sheep, only to wake again after five hours with a restless feeling. A feeling like I want to move, to get up and go, to get on with the exciting new day. Only to feel like a zombie the moment I stand up.

So I drag myself through another day. I have things to do: things I want to do, things I need to do. And instead I spend the day on facebook looking for replies to my oh-so-witty (i.e. inane) comments and obsessively checking my wordpress stats. (Nevermore gets 30-40 readers per post, while Running from Nothing gets four. Am I that shit at writing fiction or am I just promoting it badly?) Why do I do this? Mostly because I seem to have an unnamed fear of starting anything. Procrastinating behaviours start rearing their ugly little heads to stop me doing things I don’t even feel any real pressure about. Why can I not just bloody get well!?

So here I am at 4 a.m. I’ve slept for an hour tonight. I slept for five last night despite deliberately dragging myself through a tired day just so I can sleep the whole night. I had a nap for five hours this afternoon – it was only meant to be for two. I was knackered all afternoon and evening and I needed to sleep, but I just bloody couldn’t. And now I’ve got to get up for work in an hour and a half. I just want to function like a normal human being again. I don’t want to be tired all the time. I don’t want to lie in bed not sleeping. I want a fucking life, dammit!

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~ by Scary Rob on 9 January, 2012.

4 Responses to “The Rants of an Insomniac”

  1. having been where you are i would say if you are on medication either its the wrong one or the dosage is wrong. It took me several years to get the right drug treatment, and now I continually monitor my dosage to ensure its right. I hope you feel better soon, and I would recommend talking to your gp,if you don’t like your gp then try the other doctors at your surgery or a different surgery. I was lucky to find a gp who suffers as well and so also understands

  2. Get well soon bro.

  3. And I agree, if you can’t sleep, you might need to up the dosage of your meds or get new ones.

  4. Thanks for the advice, guys, but I’m not on meds and have previously refused them for a host of reasons. If this goes on, I might push for a course of sleeping pills, but they weren’t spectacularly helpful last time.

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