From a recent purchase of mine…

Thank you for choosing Destructocorp’s Deathomatic 4000™, the last word in mass destruction technology. We hope that our product will provide you with hours of passively sadistic fun. With the Deathomatic 4000™, the world can literally be your oyster. Yes, you can indeed split the plant’s shell in two and scoop out its soft, delicious centre.

Some assembly is required for the product and you will need the following support materials, which are not included in the standard box:

1. Missile launch silo.

2. Support scaffolding. A movable tower with a height of approx. 72 ft. is recommended.

3. Launch controls. Standard RFSA rocket launch controls are recommended, though the NASA equivalent can be modified to suit your needs.

The following parts should be included with the Deathomatic 4000™ kit:

1. Explosoforce™ Mark 7 fuel storage tank and injection module.

2. Explosoforce™ Mark 4 engine system.

3. Deathomatic 4000™ rocket outer shell.

4. Omnicidex 6000™ 17 teraton warhead.

5. Justifilex™ Mark 7 remote control rocket guidance system.

Should any of these parts be missing, please contact your retailer.

It is recommended that you do not handle the Omnicidex 6000™ warhead yourself, as the materials and the design of the warhead itself, comply with absolutely no safety standards whatsoever. We at Destructocorp suggest that you use either robots or a slave labour force to complete the assembly of your Deathomatic 4000™ rocket system (in fact, we recommend the use of Destructocorp Mark 7 Assembots™, available from our catalogue at a price of US$200,000.00 each. Free delivery is available, as usual, for all purchases exceeding US$4,000,000.00).

Once assembly of your Deathomatic 4000™ rocket is complete, just follow these simple instructions:

Preparation –

1. Install completed Deathomatic 4000™ rocket in your launch silo with support scaffolding in place.

2. Fill the Explosoforce™ Mark 7 fuel storage tank with the fuel supplied.

3. Connect your launch controls to the Deathomatic 4000™’s user-friendly interface sockets.

4. Set the Justifilex™ Mark 7 remote control rocket guidance system to target the desired area.

5. Hijack local, national and international analogue and digital broadcast signals to tell the governments of the world of your intention to blow up the target area (and the entire surrounding hemisphere) if they do not accede to your demands.

Suggested demands –

1. US$200 Billion and a helicopter.

2. The immediate surrender of all the authority of world government to you and your being proclaimed ‘Lord Emperor of the Earth’ (or other suitable title).

3. Full, worldwide nuclear disarmament (WARNING: this demand, due to its innate irony, may not initially be taken seriously. We recommend the use of our smaller Deathomatic™ model, the 2100, to level a small city and thus underline your intentions).

Should your demands not be met, please see separate instructions supplied with your control unit for directions as to how to fire your Deathomatic 4000™.

N.B. Due to the dangerous nature of the Deathomatic 4000™, it is recommended that you are located at a safe distance from the target area at the time of firing. For terrestrial targets, we recommend the surface of Europa.

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~ by Scary Rob on 21 May, 2007.

One Response to “From a recent purchase of mine…”

  1. Just stay away from me…..

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