Time

My life is way too full of excitement, sometimes. In the past week I’ve gained a bruise on my wrist from being handcuffed to a man at two in the morning outside a nightclub, had my arm nearly wrenched out of its socket in a fight with a girl and turned up to an English seminar with a hangover only to be offered mead and ice cream. Bizarrely, the mead and ice cream cured my hangover…

The downside to all this adventure is that I’m not getting any work done. I have read two articles for a dissertation that I should have read twenty books for by now, am about to hand in my first essay of the semester horrendously late and have done almost none of the reading I should have done for my seminars. I am in serious trouble. I’ve already failed one module last year, barely scraping a pass in one of the others, and I really need to get a 2:1 if I want to continue on to a master’s degree at a later date. I can do it. I know I can do it. That’s what’s making the whole thing all the more frustrating – I could achieve everything I want and more for the sake of developing a little self-discipline. I have to stop drinking, for one thing; I lose so much productivity through being too drunk or too hung over to work. The problem then is motivation.

So why is motivation a problem? To be perfectly honest, I’m not entirely sure. I have procrastination down to an art form and know how far I can push things before someone gets on my back but ‘because I can’ is not really a reason to procrastinate in itself. I love my degree but I seem to fear starting every piece of work, finding something else to do instead. Even these other things are not really very useful; I tend to play on Internet dating sites rather than, say, doing the huge pile of dishes I’ve left for three days. I love to learn new things and I want a good degree, yet I can’t seem to bring myself to get organised enough to achieve these things. I’ve had to cut out two of three roleplay sessions each week to clear space for my dissertation catch-up and there’s other projects, such as my novel, that I’ve had to put on the back burner for a while and yet still my time seems to vanish down a black hole of apathy. Maybe it’s that I’ve got too much on top of me. Maybe I just need to convince myself to sort one thing out at a time. Do the dissertation and let life go on around me for a while so that I can begin to put regular housework and other projects back in place once I’m on top of my life. In the meantime, there shall be no more nights of mad adventure.

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~ by Scary Rob on 6 November, 2006.

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