The Horror

Tesco Value washing-up liquid is slowly taking over the house. Seriously, it’s everywhere. The reason begins with the fact that Kismet has shares in Tesco. What this means is that, even though our nearest super-markets are Sainsbury’s and Aldi, he goes out of his way to do his weekly shopping at the Tesco up at Fiveways. He doesn’t even buy the high-quality stuff – Tesco Value studenthood is his way forward. This was fine until the washing-up liquid began to develop a mind of its own…

First of all it started developing hermit-crab-like behaviour. As my first bottle of Sainsbury’s stuff emptied, it suddenly filled up again with a liquid that was green rather than orange. This seemed perfectly innocent to me until the Value liquid ate my other bottle. Yep, I found one morning that the invading green force had eaten nearly a third full bottle of my own stuff, consuming the contents with its own green corpus. The liquids of the kitchen were turning green one by one.

A few days later, the bathroom hand-soap ran out. Panic began to strike me as, only the day after, the Tesco Value liquid pulled its hermit-crab stunt again and began occupying the now empty pump bottle in the bathroom.

It soon came to pass that the hermit-crab properties of this liquid extended to any receptacle, regardless of its former occupant. Medicine bottles, beer bottles, cola bottles, all began to be filled with green liquid. Now it’s moved on to shoes. We had a little bit of an emergency when the Value liquid tried to eat the foot of an unwitting wearer and now none of us dare take off the shoes we’ve been wearing for the past three weeks. I’m starting to develop trench foot in the wet weather. And boy, are my bedclothes dirty…

That said, it’s only a matter of time before the Tesco Value liquid becomes bold enough to attack us in our own shoes. Remember how it ate its rival liquid in its own bottle? I lie awake at night with a hose in my hand in the hope that I can dilute it to impotence should it dare come near. I’ve had a near miss. I realised barely in time that my hair gel wasn’t its usual shade of green. As for the medicine I’m taking for my current cough, I have to pour a little into the cap before I take any, just to make sure that the Value liquid isn’t hiding behind the brown glass of the bottle.

You’d have thought that there was only so far that the liquid could take over before it ran out of physical volume with which to expand its territory but it appears that it can grow at will; there are still five original bottles of the stuff sat on the kitchen window ledge. So save yourselves! Don’t invite Tesco Value washing-up liquid into your homes. It will destroy you all!

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~ by Scary Rob on 24 October, 2006.

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