Staring the End in the Face

There’s something about hitting your final year at university. It gives you a bizarre sense of melancholy, the feelings of your last day at every one of your previous schools drawn out for months. I recently read a drunken LiveJournal post by one of my friends having an ‘if I had my time over’ retrospective moment and it highlighted the fact that I’m most definitely not the only one staring the real world in the face and wondering what the hell I’m going to do with myself. Several of my friends are doing debt collection (in a ringing up on behalf of utility companies way, not a breaking legs for loan sharks way) and none of them seem to have really wanted that as a career. Another friend of mine had the same sort of panic last year and found himself a post-grad course to prolong his student-ness for another year. As for me, I’m just lost.

I came to the conclusion this summer that I have to do a certain kind of job otherwise I would go crazy. My current paid employment depresses the hell out of me simply because of the monotony. I deal with stress very well, generally speaking, as I see most obstacles as a challenge to be overcome. I’m the kind of person I like to have around in a crisis. On the other hand, I get depressed when I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. If I do the same thing every day and I never see a big result to what I’m doing, I lose heart. Hence a summer where I got very depressed selling cinema tickets. I had nothing else to occupy my mind, so those three months became a monotonous blur of a half-life. This probably explains why my mind blew a few things out of proportion about a month back.

So what do I do with myself? Well, for now I have to work like a bastard if I want a good degree (having messed up a little last year) so work like a bastard I shall. After that, who knows? As an ideal situation, I’d get a decently paid job for a couple of years to save up and throw myself back into academia but I am half wondering where I’m going to be living when summer finally rolls around. This is making me want to get my writing back into an organised state as having a finished manuscript of my novel would make me feel better if nothing else. This means that I’ve got to start honing myself properly, writing these posts with a more careful eye, rather than just rattling off five hundred words on a Sunday night. That’s no guarantee that the quality’s going to improve, though…


~ by Scary Rob on 15 October, 2006.

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