I love my job…

Some multiplex cinemas don’t have a direct line to the box office. This is the reason why:

Me: *picking up phone* Hello, Grottiplex Cinemas, how can I help you?

Caller: Is that the cinema?

(My internal monologue: No, it’s just a clever name. We’re really a pizza parlour.)

M: Yes, this is the cinema. Can I help you?

(MIM: You’re probably beyond redemption, but I was mug enough not to ignore the phone.)

C: What have you got showing today?

(MIM: This is a twelve-screen cinema! We’re probably showing everything that someone as thick as you could possibly be interested in.)

M: *Lists all ten films playing across the day*

C: Have you got [insert film that was the biggest release of six months ago]

M: I’m afraid not, madam [yes, feminists, I’m afraid I rarely get phone calls this inane from men], that finished its run two months ago.

C: Oh. Okay, then. What times are you showing [insert the blockbuster that came out this Friday]?

M: *looking at the list of no less than fifteen performances* We have showings roughly every forty-five minutes throughout the day. About what time do you want to see it?

C: About eight o’clock this evening.

M: We have a performance at exactly that time.

C: And what time will that finish, please?

M: Ten o’clock.

C: Oh. It’s a long film, isn’t it?

(MIM: When you take off the trailers, it’s an hour and forty minutes. It’s actually a relatively short film. How short is your attention span exactly?)

M: *stifling a sigh of resignation, this being the third time I’ve had almost exactly this conversation this week* Yes, it is, isn’t it? Do you need any information about parking?

C: It’s okay, I only live five minutes’ walk up the road.

(MIM: Then why didn’t you just come in and pick up a leaflet like a normal person!? I bet you have a fucking internet connection too…)

M: *gives up in despair*

The customer’s that piss me off most, though, are the one’s that buy a ticket to a foreign language film then come out again after ten minutes asking for their money back because they can’t be bothered to read subtitles. Given that, in most cases, they came in and confidently asked for tickets to that film, you’d think that they would have known something about the film they were going to see.

And then there’s the stick-to-the-script types.

“I’d like a ticket to Spiderman, please.”

“Is that the half past eight showing?” I reply.

“Sorry, how much?”

This accounts for two thirds of the people I serve. I mean come on! It doesn’t take much to focus attention on the guy you’re talking to for a second. It’s almost as bad as buying things while talking on your mobile phone. Does everyone switch their brains off when they want to see a movie?


~ by Scary Rob on 6 August, 2006.

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