Goin’ back

A couple of hours ago, I came home from my last day at work in Solihull. As of Monday, I shall be transferring back to the Cambridge site for July and August before either transferring again to a site closer to my new home in Harborne or getting a new job with a different company (and maybe ceasing to be a cinema monkey altogether).

It’s at times like this that I realise how much I’ve neglected the diarist side of blogging in favour journalism recently. Given that I wanted to strike a balance, it just goes to show how narcissistically full of my own writerliness I’ve become. Anyway, it means I’m going to have to backtrack again. I made the decision to return to Cambridge back in April or May. I had already signed the contract on a house in Harborne and, given that Solihull is enough of a trek from Edgbaston, I knew that I would have to get a new job for the summer. This is where I was when my Mum asked for my help with some DIY work. In fact, she tried to convince me not to get a job in favour of being paid for DIY. In that respect, I flatly refused on the grounds that I’d need a job come September and I needed to be able to ask for references from someone and the bizarre gap in my CV would not look good. So I agreed to do a three day week for Mum and a three day week in the cinema. I made my arrangements to come back to Cambridge and here I am, packing and preparing. The problem is that my mental state has declined a little since the realisation that I’m committed to going back to that place I’ve not called ‘home’ for eight months.

I won’t write about my life with my parents, as I don’t feel that the kind of slander that describing my old home life would entail is productive or even morally conscionable. I thought I’d left most of my family problems there (although things do occasionally bite me in the arse) and I knew I’d left behind one major upset in my life by leaving Cambridge: Echo. Again, telling you all who Echo is or the weird relationship we had that caused me to live in a state of constant mild stress would be painful for me and of no ultimate benefit. These are my little skeletons and they shall stay in the cupboard – but this post relies on the knowledge that they are there. Nowadays, Echo lives in Leeds. This would keep her out of my hair on my return to Cambridge were it not for two factors. Firstly, she left behind a boyfriend in Cambridge. Before we fell out, she was lamenting that she had met him so late on, as if her going to university in another city meant that their time together was short-lived. I don’t know what happened to their relationship subsequently, so this leaves the question of whether she will come back to spend time with him rather open. Secondly, her mother became rather clingy just before she left and maybe her guilt complex will bring her back regardless of her boyfriend. To conclude this apparent tangent: I know I’m walking into hell by going back to my parents’ house, and I have my suspicions that my path may cross with Echo’s; it’s surprisingly difficult to avoid people in Cambridge. What makes it worse is that I don’t know how I’ll react if I see her again. I know that if we pass in town I’ll just ignore her and react to whatever emotions privately, later. But I can’t rely on her not approaching me. Ariadne told me that Echo was ‘hurt’ that I told her I never wanted to see her again (which surprised me given that I felt I was just putting our friendship out of its misery rather than letting it drag on causing unnecessary stress for both of us over months before we lost touch naturally), which means that any last affection she has for me could make her talk to me if our paths cross – and I can’t even begin to conceive what that will do to me.

The positive side is: I loved my job in Cambridge, which means I may get back some of my old enthusiasm for paid work. I get full board at my parents’ house while I’m doing the work there, so much less expenditure for the summer. And, chance meetings aside, Cambridge city centre is a rather nice place to be at the height of summer. This could be one of the best summers of my life or it could be hell.

Meanwhile, my thoughts are taking a dark path about the direction of my life and I know exactly what the trigger is. And therein lie worst consequences of my thoughts of Echo…

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~ by Scary Rob on 6 July, 2005.

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