My dilemmas

So there’s sort of a competition going in the college newspaper to find a regular sort of week-in-the-life columnist for the features section. Dream come true? A chance to get my stuff out to a readership I can look in the eye? Well, Rose had a look at this website and said I should go for it but I’m not so convinced. For one thing, if I did get the gig, I’d have to abandon blogging on the grounds that it’s hard enough waffling on for 500+ words about one subject a week, let alone two.  Secondly, for fear of lowering the university’s reputation, I wouldn’t be able to talk about things like this:

There are Things living in my kitchen drawer. It’s not just that we’re untidy in our flat; the Things first appeared the day after we moved in. They’re really little and sort of insectoid, with long, narrow bodies and big antennae. They’re 7mm long (ish) and grey. I think they may be some kind of alien species.

The reason I say that is this: when you squish them, rather than making a squashed mess like any other insect, they crumble into a silver dust. And they’re intelligent, too. They don’t make stupid mistakes like ants or bluebottles; they don’t troll mindlessly on like woodlice; they don’t crawl over your finger like beetles. They do run and they do hide in the safest places they can muster at short notice. It could well be that they’re daemonic in origin. They only ever appear singly, and a new one only ever turns up after the previous one has crumbled to dust. I’m starting to entertain the possibility that there is only one of these creatures, endlessly haunting my cupboard in the kitchen in a cycle of death and resurrection. So what do I do? Nothing that crumbles to dust can possibly be benign… First, I’m going to have to determine the nature of the threat. To do this means dismantling the kitchen drawer to find out where the Things are coming from. If it’s a portal into the abyss, then I’m going to be requiring the services of a priest (although what he’ll make of my asking him to banish a small grey insect from my kitchen drawer, I don’t know…); if the Things have a spacecraft, I’ll just have to call the necessary government department (Mr Bubbles? Aliens are attacking my house…).

Of course, the result of that could be a bit of a mess. I’m sure my flatmates would be very impressed to discover that our flat has become a high-security military zone, constantly inhabited by people in white biohazard suits. But ignoring the problem may be worse: if the Things are just a spearhead, what does the invasion force look like? Is my cupboard about to be infested with ever bigger Things, finally reaching the point where our kitchen is taken up entirely by the all-powerful telepathic Queen Thing while us mere humans parade a constant line through the living room paying tribute with kitchen utensils (the only thing in my drawer that could possibly interest them…) and submitting our mind to the Great Thing Consciousness. Eventually, our halls of residence may become a giant nest of cutlery and frying pans as the Thing Army plunders the Earth of its kitchenware, treasure store after treasure store (well, Ikea after Ikea) toppling to the great Thing might. On the other hand, they could just be insects…

As an endnote: the Absentee has finally left home completely. He’s got a transfer to another hall of residence – unsurprisingly, given that he put more of his time into making friends there than where he lived. I’m not sure what we’ll be doing with his bogroll portrait…

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~ by Scary Rob on 22 October, 2004.

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